#19: live blogging the Oscars, because I’m original like the rest of the internets

Coming to you live by way of delayed-until-I-hit-publish downstairs in the log cabin, it’s the J. Oscars Super Live Blog because I made G. watch some horrible movie called The Raven (apparently not nominated for anything) on Friday where John Cusack played Edgar Allan Poe so I cannot, in any way, argue with what she wants to watch. Currently, I am watching the awkward-as-hell red carpet interviews because G. “likes to see what people are wearing.” This means I have reactions like:
Jennifer Garner — she’s a purple stegasaurus, how Barney of her.
Halle Berry — a glam zebra; she even has a mowhawk hairstyle to act as the mane. Well done, you batshit insane, woman.
George Clooney — George somehow makes looking like the Unabomber awesome.
Look, there are Anne Hathaway’s tits. And she just made a mullet reference about her dress? Or it was a butt sex joke.

Okay, what in the hell is this trivia crap they are pulling? Aaaaaand, Anne, who the internets hates or something because she’s really into winning an Oscar and as an actress this is a horrible thing for her to want because it’s sooooooo, like, just terrible of her to want her acting to be recognised as good and stuff, guesses the trivia.

Um, I don’t think Jamie Foxx’s daughter could look more uncomfortable. Maybe she’s wearing a corset that’s pinching. There’s no way it could be the fact that her dad is sexing up on Kelly Rowland live on tv right in front of her.

I honestly expected Daniel Day-Lewis to show up in character. Is Daniel Day-Lewis a character? Like, DDL is a method actor about his own non-movie role? That’d be meta as fuck.

Whoever the short lady asking question on the red carpet is–I know she was on that show Pushing Daisies–looks like her hair is pulled so tight that it’s like she’s scalping herself.

Kelly Rowland just said “there are no words” when it comes to Halle Berry. I disagree; there are at least a few: nuts, insane, holy shit that woman is cracked out of her damn mind, and, of course, glam zebra.

Renee Zellweger or however the hell her name is spelled is apparently trying to look like the Oscar trophy. If Bridget Jones wrote about a Renee movie, would the world explode? Or would it just be retarded? Both?

Queen Latifah is bringing the U-N-I-T-Y.

Why the hell do the red carpet hosts have butterflies “for the nominees”? I don’t get it.

I will bet $65,873,990,042,994 Seth MacFarlane is horrible tonight, but not a dollar more.

The Penguins are also on at the moment, and they are currently winning. FOR YOUR INFORMATION. Also, the Pirates won a spring training game, which means it’s time to guarantee a World Series. YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST.

Nice glasses, Coppola dude. They’re just great. You look like a War Games reject.


Mel Gibson bashing. I keep expecting Seth to make some sort of “I’m banging the kaleesi!” sing-a-long. Oh, instead we get a “we saw your boobs” sing-a-long. I’m impressed with my guess, however.

If G. could get boners, she’d have a boner over Charlize Theron. This is a direct quote. Also, “Channing Tatum looks like a potato.” Channing Chips for the ladies!

Harry Potter is a midget.

Even the Oscars mock Anne Hathaway wanting to win an award. This is reaching stupid levels of stupid.

So, in case you weren’t getting it, Seth singing is awesome. A lot. This is apparently hilarity in action. SINGING, WOOOOOOOFUCKINGHOOOOOOOO.

Best Supporting Actor: I’m guessing it’s going to be an old white guy. The Nazi dude wins and I was totally right in my prediction. Also, I get that Tarantino thinks himself a badass, but is it too much to ask that he not look like he’s on the last legs of a 5 day bender when he comes to this thing? Dressing sloppy does not a scary motherfucker make.

Melissa McCarthy is channeling that Chris Farley SNL talk show host character.

Best Animated Short (? I think?): Paperman, not to be confused with The Paperboy where Nicole Kidman pisses on the dude from High School Musical. Keep that shit straight, yo. Unless you’re into weird, weird, weird, anime.

Best Animated Feature or something: Brave, in which a redhead is not told to dye her hair, and accented people shoot arrows in hilariously and emotional and maturing ways.

Samuel L. Jackson is dressed like a 1950s hotel bellhop.

Achievement in Cinematography: Life of Pi. If you asked me to explain what the hell this award is for, I’d tell you the decision is based on how much fun it is to watch a particular movie while stoned out of one’s mind. And based on the dude who just won it, I’d say he enjoys lots of mind-altering experiences. I may be generalising. Or judging. Also, he won’t stop talking.

Achievement in Visual Effects: Life of Pi, again. Because, again, drugs and movies are fun. The guy speaking just said Mike Malone, but I thought he said Mark Malone, and I thought he was a big Steelers fan, and, well, he just got cut the fuck off by the production people. Mark Malone’s mustache celebration should never be cut off. Oh, and I will include that as a pun, thanks.

The Penguins are still winning, FOR YOUR INFORMATION.

Jennifer Aniston and Channing Chips making waxing banter, hilarity ensues.

Best Costume Design: The Russian movie. Or whatever. Anna Karenina. The dog just got excited, so apparently he’s a big fan of period movies. Or at least, the costumes.

Achievement in Make-Up and Hairstyling (?): Le Mis. I’m certain people will find a way to bash Anne Hathaway for this. Which she deserves. Because, good God, wanting to win an Oscar is lame. Holy Pink Tights.

Bulimia jokes are always awesome!

GLAM ZEBRA introducing 50 years of James Bond. Who will be the next Bond? I’m guessing Harry Potter, because MI6 or whatever can run much more efficiently and cost-effective when they get rid of the R&D department and replace it with a magic wand. Hermione can replace M. Right? That’s the boss lady, isn’t it? I’m rather Bond ignorant. Sadly, I know way more about Austin Powers.

I have no idea who that lady is singing a Bond song; I think I’m supposed to, though. I’m a cultural failure.

Kerry Washington kind of looks like a walking bobblehead.

Best Live Action Short Film: how short must a short film be? I wonder at the regulations in play here. Curfew. Applause follows. There’s no way anyone there knows who they are applauding for. “Producer-in-crime” was actually stated.

Best Documentary, Short Subject: It better be whatever that was about old people dancing. Inocente? or something? My computer only types in English (AAAAMMMMUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRIIIICCCCAAAAAAAAA)

Liam Neeson could kick your ass. It’s funny, in that not-funny way, that Lincoln led to Mississippi finding out they hadn’t ratified the 13th amendment and then had to do so quickly. Life as art as life and whoa.

Best Documentary Feature: Searching for Sugar Man. I read an article about this guy once; is that on the same level as watching this movie? Also, any time I see people from South Africa, I try to guess their age and see if they had been a part of the apartheid society because, um, I have no idea why. But it’s what I do.

The Penguins are still winning, FOR YOUR INFORMATION.


Um, is that how John Travolta always talks? He sounds like English is his third language. Look, without any reference to Face Off, there’s no reason to bring out Travolta. I remember when it was a big deal when Catherine Zeta-Jones wore that body suit and went through lasers in whatever that movie was with Sean Connery, where Sean was a master thief–Entrapment? For the internet’s sake, I’m just going to assume she’s lip synching. Actually, from now on, I’m just going to assume everyone is always lip synching, all the time, including when I’m having face-to-face conversations with people and that this is proof the Matrix exists and the computers control everyone around me. I used to think it was called “lip singing” and I didn’t understand how singing with one’s lips was different than actual singing and found it very confusing. I believe this whole section of the Oscars is called, Musicals Matter. I haven’t understood a single word Jennifer Hudson has sang. I don’t think I have good ears, but I get the feeling in all the recaps people are going to talk about how she slayed.

Is Russell Crowe going to sing live up in this bitch? Maybe he’ll improvise some lyrics about beer, gladiators, and his rugby team. Isn’t actually really lame to have people in a movie currently up for awards to sing live at the award show? If the movie wins a bunch, then this singing just makes it clear that the Oscars is bias; if they don’t win, then why would a movie that can’t win be featured? It’s a no-win situation. Oh, right, it’s Anne Hathaway’s fault; she’s such a try-hard bitch. AND RUSSELL DID SING, THE WORLD IS GLORIOUS.

Well, kids, I’m old and G. has to go to work in the morning, so, that’s it for me. I don’t give a shit who wins, but for the sake of the universe’s sanity, I hope Anne’s tears don’t drown the Earth. I assume she’s crying whether she wins or loses and the flood could be of biblical proportions.

My predictions include Zero Dark Thirty, because fuck it. I think the Oscar voters like the idea of pissing off Spielberg again.

Good night.

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